What I hear most from her is "sit with me; spend time with me."
and "Let me guide your steps, stop fighting, stop thinking, and just let me take you"
I'm sure most will remember the plastic bag from that movie American Beauty
Today on the ride home there was one in the street.  And it was windy. 
It was just so free on the wind and it looked like it was in ecstacy.

A plastic bag. It just seems odd talking about it because of that movie but anyway...

It almost got ran over a few times but it  was amazing watching the wind just
push it , pull it so tenderly up and over the curb into safety.
I know it is just a bag but I understood that I haven't trusted 
in the universe or the earth to pull me; to guide me.
And I haven't learned to just let go and embace the flow
And also not to fight it when I am about to get run over.
I read Deepak Chopra's book once Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and the most amazing thing in the book to me is where he asks,
Does a fish try to swim, or does it just swim?
Does a blade of grass try to grow, or does it just grow ?
I have no idea how to just be a human being, without trying to be it, do it or think about it
But I think Mother is trying to show me

What am I afraid of?  That is the question that I ask myself whenever I feel any degree of fear or anxiety.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes to get to the heart of the fear.  And then I have to question why I fear that.  Which always leads me back to myself.  I fear myself.  I fear what I could be.  The growth, the potential, the truth scares my ego.  And so to handle this fear I do a little excerise my teacher taught me when it is very strong, when I am really fearful.  But during the day or when I wake up in the morning with a little anxiety I just take a minute be present and aware with all my senses.  Which leads to the question "What is there to fear right now?" The answer to that question is usually nothing in this moment.  So then the fear or anxiety in my stomach just melts away and that is the most wonderful feeling.  Then I take a minute to be grateful and also to laugh. 

Asking that question of myself has led me to face my fears and it has also facilitated a major shift in my attitude from a victim of constant fear and indesicion to the motivated, confident and happy girl I am today.  

And now that I actually read the description for this q&r I completely misunderstood.  Oh Well!

I am not waiting, I have actually gone off in search of something that has been rumored to exist for many years.  The legend of the Amazing Wonderful Beautiful Life-loving Light-living Cova.  Some have returned from expeditions to this very place wide eyed with excitement claiming they have seen it.  Even touched it.  Now inspired by their journeys I have set out to go farther.  And when I arrive I intend to settle and spend the rest of my days there.  So far it has been a difficult road but I remain in high spirits that the trip and the destination with surpass all possible expectations of euphoria.  So much so that I shall have to invent a new word to describe the glory of it all.

I remember everything.  We lived in this little old house but of course it seemed huge to me because I was so little.  In the front yard we had these little white flowers on the lawn and red tulips lined the walk up to our porch.  We had a porch swing and we had a milk box there also.  I made all my mud pies on the front porch.  In the living room we had yellowish green shag carpeting and funky seventies furniture and a marble coffee table.  I shared a bedroom with my brothers and I had the top bunk-bed.  My littlest brother Kurt used to climb up there and sleep with me.  He was so cute.  I didn't think so at the time because he was so heavy.  In the kitchen we had white and yellow linoleum and the space seemed so expansive.  That was where my brothers and I poured cheerios and milk all over the floor before my mom woke up.
The bathroom fixtures were olive green.  my parents room was always dark and I took my naps in there on the water-bed.  But they had a little black and white TV in there so instead of sleeping I watched Mr Rodgers and Sesame Street.  Off the kitchen we had a back room that led to the back door and to the basement.  Down in the basement it was very unfinished; dirt floors and cement foundation showing and the most amazing smell of wet dirt and concrete.  My mom did her puzzles down there and some huge stuffed animals my dad won at a carnival or something were stored down there.  There was even a little room where the dogs had their puppies.  Outside the backdoor there was a massive dead tree infested with nasty little black and red winged bugs.  The tree was right outside our bedroom so we saw a lot of them.  There were tomato plants along on side of the house by the street and in the back we had my dad's Nova, a condemned garage, the new garage, a rose bush and a crab apple tree.  On the other side was the big lawn.  That is where the dog pen, the plum tree, and the pear tree all were.  It was a great place to be a little girl.

 

Venus is speaking, mars is silent

Where is the man I can't let go of?

Why was he so able to let me go?

Orion is on fire, a plane passing by is turned red by its glow

Attachment feels like love,

Tears flow and still the pain remains

Still trees, fast cars on the midnight highway

The night is empty of warmth; full of old ghosts

I feel like one of them

Courtyard lights are looking fuzzy

My resolve to leave him behind is flimsy

Life without him seems dim

Somewhere buried deep is the woman who can move on

I can't seem to find a shovel to save her

Or maybe I just don't want to move on

Maybe I am hurt that you were able to so easily

Maybe I shouldn't give myself so much credit

Maybe you never loved me as you said

Maybe maybe maybe

Maybe will never satisfy

Sleep comes to comfort

Dreams come to inspire

Tomorrow she is freed

My first memory is very odd.  I was laying in my crib and I was very aware of the textures and the colors and the sounds all around me.  The door opened and a few of my mother's friends came in to see me.  And then a woman behind them came in that wasn't my mother.  She moved closer to the crib and looked down into my eyes and I knew that this person was me, fully grown.  We just stared at each other.  She picked me up so carefully and held me like I was the greatest treasure.  I have never felt love for myself more than that moment.  I could feel the love in my infant body as well as my adult body.  I looked into my adult eyes and I saw into the infant eyes.  Everything and everybody else in the room had stopped like time was frozen, the air had gotten heavier, everything became very quiet.  I was putting myself back in the crib and leaning down gazing at myself with such gentleness and love then the adult left me. 

Over the years I have taken on a few of the characteristics of the adult I saw.  There is no way it was my mother and I am not even sure it was a reality.  It could have been a dream.  It could have been an angel who knows.  But it was amazing.  I was maybe only a year old in the crib and I don't have any more memories of anything until I turned three.  Very odd.

I wish I could gain acceptance.  It would be so nice to just accept things as they are and not focus on how it doesn't seem right.  I would just accept people for how they are and how they change and I would accept myself completely also.  But I also would like to be able to accept help when I need it; to accept opportunities that come my way, and to accept compliments.  I'll bet the world would seem so much richer if I stopped fretting about the negatives that I perceive and accept them.  That leaves a lot of energy left to focus on the wonderful in this world.

Growing, Loving, Living

I wish for one day full of warm sunshine, rainbows, lots and lots of puppies and kittens and all the chocolate chip cookies I could eat.  I wish for green green grass and billowy clouds; for giggles and smiles and a ride on my very own zebra with dragonfly wings.  Singing fish in the pond and laughing birds in the sky.  The perfect trees for climbing and cartwheels and cake.  But  for all the other days I'll  just wish for joy.

 

            I dreamt of you last night.  We were sitting with some other friends of mine and we stopped to sleep for the night in this alcove of rock and there were couches and mattresses and a t.v.  I woke up in the night and you were sitting next to me on the mattress lying beside the couch.  Just watching t.v.  Your arm was bare and I almost reached out to touch it when you spoke.  You said "I would like to go there".  You were speaking of a haunted lodge not far up the road from where we were.  I said let's go.  Normally I would have been afraid but you were so fearless that I always felt safe with you around.  Morning was coming quickly and the others were rising as well.  The little alcove turned into a real house with a hundred people getting up and getting breakfast together.  Some were familiar but I was focused on getting out of there with you.  The friends I came with were telling me what time I had to be back and you were saying not to worry about, that you had a breakfast burrito.  Two other girls got in the car with us carrying breakfast trays and I thought they would be loud and annoying but as soon as they got in they were so quiet they almost ceased to exist. 

           We rode in silence and I wish I had taken the opportunity to tell you then that I love you, that none of the parties, all the times we've shared would have been any fun without you nor will they ever be again.  But once again I failed to convey how much you mean to me.  How much I will miss you.  How much I already do.  I asked for you to come to my dreams and you did, thank you.  I am only sorry I didn't get to accomplish my goal.  When we lost you I began trying to define what our friendship was.  What you really meant to me.  There were times when it was good friendship, times when we were like brother and sister and even times when I felt like we could have been more.  I am sorry we didn't make it to the haunted lodge together.  It was time for me to wake up but I know the ghosts of the haunted lodge will have the best companion in you and so will the guests.  I am thankful that you parted with this realm in that fashion true to you, doing what you love.  A quiet death for you just wouldn't have been right for the larger than life guy you were. 

              Today I will honor you with dancing; in your style.  I just hope I can get my hands on some of that corny music.  I hope I have many more dreams of you because you are just too much damn fun.  The ghosts can't have it all baby.  I love you so much and you will never be forgotten.  I don't need to define our odd little super fun friendship, I am just thankful for it.  Much love to you my dear friend.  You will always have a place in my heart of hearts.  Come see me again soon pookie.  L'l k