At the end of the day before I go to bed, I love to go out on the balcony and just be with the trees.  They are so loving and they send me such sweet energy.  I listen to the night and I feel the breeze on my skin knowing that I am part of this magic.  I connect with Mother Earth and send her my love and gratitude which expands out to every organism on the planet.  Then I fall asleep to the outside symphony in my cozy sanctuary.

How could I forget the swing-set?  It was so amazing whizzing through the air completely out of control.  We had a game and the rule was whoever could go the highest was the king or queen.  I was incredibly tiny for my age so of course I was the reigning champ.  I was truly free flying through the air and whenever I see one I just have to stop and swing for a while.   

The hardest part of my journey has been acknowledging that I am the light I see in everyone else.  That I am worthy to be that because I am already; I only need to walk in it.  It is hard to believe I have beauty in me even though I see so much in everyone else.  I know that I would not be able to recognize it if did not have it.  Everyone is my mirror.  I can only see in others what I am at any given time.  I could not see light if I am not walking in light.   I have spent this weekend changing that and I truly feel that I have turned a corner.  I am finally to a point where I understand and accept that I don't have to perfect.  Peace exists there, strength too.   More challenges lie ahead but I take comfort from the fact that they will not occur until I am strong enough to face them.

 

I went on a retreat to Crestone Co. in June of this year and there were many amazing experiences on that trip but the one that stands out to me, not only on the trip but, in all the ceremonies I have attended was when we went to a very old and crumbling medicine wheel.  We had a pipe carrier in our group and she was amazing.  I had such respect for the ritual we were about to perform because she did.  We drew totem cards and went in after being blessed with the burning sage and also after we turned a full circle to one direction while chanting something beautiful.  The ceremony itself is a lot to explain but it was  so amazing and we were all a part of the circle.  We were one with our surroundings.  The birds stopped chirping and the breeze barely whispered as we began and they were quiet throughout.  We channeled and chanted and we danced to the drums of our hearts.  The sense of unity I felt with our great mother and father and the creatures and the others was absolutely astounding and incredibly humbling.  When we were all out of the circle and completed the exiting chant and turns, the birds sang again and the breeze blew strong.

God has been the hardest "thing" for me to forgive and myself.  I never really knew my Dad.  I knew an alcoholic.  A little over seven years ago he got sick and he went into the hospital.  We went to visit him and he was so thin with a very swollen belly but here was my dad, sober.  Fragile.  I tried so hard not to cry, but when he broke down I couldn't help it.  I had never seen him cry.  This man who had forgotten birthdays and child support checks and suddenly I just wanted him whole and healthy again.  Nothing that he had done mattered in the slightest anymore.  He got out of the hospital, he was done with alcohol for good.  He started to recover and I visited him often.  One night I went after work before I headed home in the mountains he wanted to take me for the world's best Bratwurst and this little place but it was closed, we went back to the house and he wanted to make these pork chops with mangoe and pepper salsa, but it was so late.  I told him next time and I went home.  A few days later he passed.  I was so angry.  I was finally going to get him back.  I finally got to know him a little and God just took him away again.  It was so unfair.  I raged at myself because I didn't stay, I raged at God because he wouldn't let my dad stay.  It has been seven years and while I am not raging it is incredibly difficult to type with these blurry eyes.

Two years and two months to the day later God took my brother.  He was only nineteen.  He had a one year old son, Daigen.  He was in a car accident, killed instantly.  The last time I saw him I had gone to my mothers to help her pack the important belongings she had because a forest fire was getting close to her.  I stayed the night and left early to get back to Denver.  Kurt's car blocked mine and he came out of the garage and just chatted with me for a minute.  When we said goodbye he gave me a great big bear hug and a kiss on the forehead.  He had never done that before.  I remember thinking how special it was to me and how I would never forget it.  A few weeks later  I woke up in the night heartbroken.  I was shattered and I didn't know why.  I got a phone call about 10:30 that day and I don't even remember the drive up the mountain.  At the veiwing we could only see his face.  They had to wrap the rest in a sheet so we couldn't see the damage.  The church his funeral was in was packed and even all the standing room was taken.

All this time later it still feels like yesterday.  I have learned to forgive God and myself but I still cry just as hard.

Happiness is not something that can be sustained by things or people.  We must choose to be happy in all things.  I realized one day that I wanted so much, I had to stop and be in the moment to see that I lacked nothing, to know that I must create my own happiness.  If we desire change to get away from something that we dislike, the happiness found in that change is short lived.  When we know ourselves with love we know a prolonged joy that permeates every aspect of our lives.  When we want to experience change with that mind set, we will move forward without dragging the problem with the old into the new.  If we truly love ourselves and know the light we are then we don't have to rely on outside influences to make us feel better about our circumstances.

Feelings and Rhythm
Systems and Dreams

Sleeping life or waking dream????

My  name spoken by a man who is not there.

I sit above the covers, something comes toward me beneath them.

I feel it under me, it has substance and then it is gone.

Phantom

The music from a CD cracks like an old record.

The water bottle gives a loud POP and I jump.

The cat wants me to understand.


I picked up some leaves in the park the other day,
One brown, one green.

They sit askew where they fell out of my pocket.  So natural and so out of place.  Too full of consciencenous.

They wonder why I've brought them here.

I can't remember.

My head is heavy.

Chocolate cake has been eaten,
A cigarette waits to be smoked.

My nuclear life that borders on magic.

Reckless fantasy and painful fate.

The clock always keeping time.

Is it all but a dream??